smashcon | Two Punch Men - Short Story 2017

Title: Two Punch Men
Rating: PG
Prompt: A man learns to skate by staggering about and making a fool of himself. Indeed he progresses in all things by resolutely making a fool of himself.
- George Bernard Shaw, Advice to a Young Critic
Fandom/Series: One Punch Man
Word Count: 3102
Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, profit from the story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator(s).
Summary: Saitama accidentally clones himself. Genos is suspicious of the clone, but Saitama doesn't have a problem with him. Meanwhile, an evil scientist waits for the results of his newest weapon.

Two Punch Men

“There’s another me.” Saitama pointed to the mirror.

“How insightful, Master.” Genos opened up a notebook and scribbled down the line. “There’s another me…”

“Oh. There’s another me,” said the Saitama in the mirror.

The Saitama not in the mirror stared at the Saitama in the mirror. The mirror Saitama looked exactly like him, except the red on his sweater was blue instead. The Saitama in the mirror stared back. Genos looked from one Saitama to the other.

The Saitama not in the mirror shrugged and lay down on the floor. Whatever.

“Master. Should we not do something about the impostor?”

“Nah. He can stay.” Who cares about an impostor? So long as the guy didn’t try to give him a bad name, who cares? Besides, if he stayed around, maybe he could help Saitama move up the ranks a bit.

“Huh. Thanks,” said the Saitama from the mirror. Mirror-tama. Sai-mirror. Saitamirror? Maitama?

Saitama shrugged and picked up a manga from his shelf.

“Master, where did this other Master come from?”

“Uh…” Saitama looked at the mirror that Maitama had just come from, and thought about what had happened yesterday. “Maybe the cloning machine?”

“What cloning machine, Master Saitama?”

Saitama put the manga down and looked at Genos. “The other day I was walking home and some guy came up to me. He showed me this thing that looked like a mirror and said it was a cloning machine. I thought he was nuts, but he was selling it for 100 yen and it didn’t look like anything was wrong with it. So I bought it and took it home.”

“I remember that,” said Maitama. He looked behind himself. “So I guess I’m your clone?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“Cool.” Maitama lay down on the floor and joined Saitama in reading manga.

Somewhere vaguely far away an evil scientist laughed evilly in his secret evil underground lab, because he was so evil. He wore nothing but a lab coat and a pair of hotpants that said ‘evil’ across the butt.

“I, the scientist Doctor Super Evil Dude, have finally created the perfect weapon for defeating heroes…” He laughed evilly again, just so everyone knew just how evil he was, and looked at his computer screen, which was lit up with several hundred numbers. He stared at them for a bit, deciphering what they meant in relation to his super evil project, and then switched to a different interface because he couldn’t work out what the numbers meant. He read through the data being sent by his machine and laughed evilly again, then coughed because of all the evil laughing he was doing. “My cloning machine is working very well…I’m so glad I picked such a boring, weak guy to test it on, because then I can make sure it works perfectly with no threat to me at all.”

He spun around in his evil supervillain chair and explained to no one in particular how the machine worked. “This machine will clone heroes, but so they are ever so slightly different, and ever so slightly stronger. They will befriend the hero and then…murder them.”

Doctor Super Evil Dude’s laughter echoed through his empty hideout, making him think about how lonely he was. Maybe he should hire some evil minions. Get a pet cat or something.

“Attention, City Z.” The man on the TV straightened out some papers. “A giant squid man is rampaging through the city. Current threat level: Tiger.”

“I’ll go. Genos, you stay here. I don’t want you stealing my thunder again.”

Genos nodded, then looked to Maitama. “What about you, other Master?”

He shrugged. “I’ll stay here too. I’m a pacifist.”

“I’m not a pacifist though. Aren’t we the same person?” Unless he meant something like ‘not hurting other people’. Saitama never deliberately hurt other people. He only killed the monsters that were threats to them.

“Yeah, but I guess I’m a bit different. I don’t remember becoming a pacifist, but I am now. Even for monsters.”

“Alright then.” Saitama quickly jumped into his hero clothes and stepped out onto his balcony. “I’ll be back in a bit.” He jumped off the balcony and ran to the giant squid monster.

Maitama looked out and watched him run, then sat down at the table and looked at Genos. “What would you say are my – or your Master Saitama’s – biggest weaknesses? I want to train to get rid of them.”

“You have no weaknesses, master Saitama. You are physically superior to everyone.”

“Hmm.” Maitama rested his head on his hand. “What about weaknesses that aren’t physical?”

“Master Saitama is rather unpopular. I would assume that by extension you are too. He is also insecure about the status of his hair, which-”

“Don’t say another word,” said Maitama.

“Yes, other Master. I apologise. But you are the one who asked about it. These are the only weaknesses of yours I can think of.”

“Well, alright then.” Maitama pulled a manga off the shelf. “I’ll keep those in mind.”

Genos watched as the other Master Saitama read the manga. Was he actually like Master Saitama, or was he dangerous? Genos would need to observe this man further to determine whether he was safe to be around. For all he knew, this other Master could be a threat to them. If he had the same power as Master, but not the same ideals, the city could be in danger. Was that why he was asking about Master’s weaknesses? Did he want to defeat Master, then destroy the whole city?

It was possible that he was in fact a pacifist as he said he was, and Genos hoped that was the case. But perhaps he should prepare for the possibility that this other Master might try to harm them.

The front door swung open and clicked shut. Genos turned around to see Master Saitama coming home.

“How was it, Master? Did the giant squid man stand a chance against you?”

“As always, I was hoping for a challenge, but it turned out to be weak. I barely had to poke it.” Master Saitama sighed and went to seat himself, but could not find a clear space on the ground. “Hey, it’s kinda crowded in here, guys.”

“Your apartment is rather small, Master,” said Genos.

“Why don’t we do something outside?” suggested the other Master. “We need to go and buy groceries, anyway.”

“Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. Let’s go do that.”

Was this just a ploy to remove Master Saitama from the house? Was this other Master trying to attack Master while his guard was down?

Genos would come along, just in case.

Doctor Super Evil Dude laughed evilly and stroked his new pet cat/minion as he watched the new data come in from the clone. Yes…the clone was befriending this Saitama fellow.

Saitama, also known as the Caped Baldy, a Class C hero. Doctor Super Evil Dude knew he’d made the right choice by picking this man. He was a hero – exactly who the weapon was made for – but he was only some Class C weakling. He would never be able to defeat his clone.

The two Saitamas walked into a grocery store (the perfect place for a hero fight, if you’d ask Super Evil Dude) with someone behind them. Probably one of the original Saitama’s friends. Another Class C loser or someone similar. No strong person would hang around someone so weak.

Though he had originally planned for the clone to kill the original in his sleep, it would be so much more interesting if they had a public fight. It was lucky that Doctor Super Evil Dude had a switch right here that he could flip to immediately turn the clone into its Super Evil Murder Mode. It was the perfect chance to test it.

Doctor Super Evil waited for the two Saitamas to pick up a shopping basket each, then flipped the switch.

Maitama looked up at Saitama. “Do you feel a weird tingle?”

Saitama shook his head.

“Huh.” Maitama looked down at the selection of fish. “I feel a tingling in my head.”

Saitama picked up a package and looked at the price. “Maybe it’s because of the bargains here. This fish is so cheap.” He put the fish in his basket and moved on.

“Yeah, that’s probably it. Who knows what sort of power bargains have?” Maitama followed Saitama. “Whatever. It’s gone now.”

Doctor Super Evil Dude gave a super evil frustrated growl. How could his Super Evil Murder Mode not have worked? Super Evil Murder Mode made sure that the clone’s anger was intensified by 500%.

Well. Maybe the waves didn’t reach the clone properly.

He’d just have to get closer. Doctor Super Evil Dude would go to the city in his Super Evil Mecha, which looked like him, but bigger and made of metal. Using his Super Evil Mecha, he would destroy the city and get the Super Evil Murder Mode waves to reach the clone. Then the clone would destroy the original and kill the whole city, proving his prototype was a success.

This scheme was perfect. Nothing about it could go wrong.

“Oh! Sardines in oil. I love those.” The other Master Saitama checked the price of the tinned sardines and then looked in his wallet. “Damn. I don’t have enough.”

“I will pay for them.” Genos stepped up and handed two tins to the other Master Saitama. “These are my favourite.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right.” The other Master gave Genos a thumbs up. “We can share them later.”

“Thank you, other Master.” Genos gave him the coins. This was what he’d been hoping for. He would get the other Master alone, then interrogate him about his goals. Genos would make sure this other Master would tell the truth. He would make sure that Master and the rest of the city would be safe.

“You don’t have to keep calling me that, you know.” The other Master turned around. “I have the same memories as the other Saitama, but I know I’m different. I’m not your master. Just call me Maitama like he’s been.”

“Yes, Master Maitama.”

Master Maitama was about to say something, but his voice was drowned out by the sound of metalling stomping.

Was it the giant cyborg that had destroyed his hometown? Genos glanced at Master Maitama. “I will return soon.” Genos ran outside to investigate.

A man piloted a giant mechanical object possibly made to resemble a human, but not resembling a human besides the two limbs it had at the bottom. It lumbered forward slowly, awkwardly lifting each leg to a 90° angle before plunging it down, leaving a giant footprint stamped in the ground. Civilians ran from under the robot’s body, taking shelter wherever they could.

What a shame. It was not the giant cyborg that had destroyed his home.

Genos walked back inside the grocery store. Many of the customers hid as debris and packaged goods fell from the quakes brought on by the metal giant’s footsteps.

“Master Saitama! Master Maitama!”

“I still have to pay!” shouted Master Saitama from the register. “Give me a moment! Jeez.”

Doctor Super Evil Dude stood his mecha outside the grocery store. This thing was a little shakier than he thought. He’d have to fix it up a little when he returned to his Super Evil Lair.

The two Caped Baldys walked out of the grocery store with their bags of shopping and looked up. Doctor Super Evil Dude turned on the microphone and speakers of his mecha.

“Attention, Saitamas!”

The clone looked at the original and dropped his shopping bag on the ground next to him. It destroyed the pavement below and sent a shockwave through the ground. Doctor Super Evil Dude frantically fiddled with switches and levers to make sure his Super Evil Mecha didn’t fall over.

“My name is Doctor Super Evil Dude.” He held out his mecha’s hand and used the flamethrower on its finger to set fire to a tree to make sure they knew how entirely absolutely evil he was. “Do you remember me from yesterday?” The screen on the mecha’s body brought up a picture of him with the cloning machine, selling it to Saitama.

“Who are you?” The Saitamas called in unison.

Doctor Super Evil Dude screamed in frustration. “I’m Doctor Super Evil Dude and I’m going to be the best supervillain! I may be just a beginner, but I can do it! I’m going make sure my clone kills the original Saitama, so I can prove my first weapon was a success! Clone! Super Evil Murder Mode!”

The clone stood and waited. “I feel that weird tingle again.”

“Is he trying to sell us something cheap?”

“No, I think he’s trying to do the Super Murder Evil mode, but instead, he’s just making a fool of himself.”

Doctor Super Evil Dude growled at his statement. “Why haven’t you gone Super Evil Murder Mode? It should have increased your anger by 500%!”

“Oh. I guess it’s because I don’t have any anger.” The clone shrugged.

“Fine!” shouted Doctor Super Evil Dude. “I guess I’ll just have to go on a rampage and kill the original Saitama myself!” He hit a big red button. The arms of the mecha turned into knives. “I hope you like being stabbed, Saitama!”

The swift knives stabbed towards the Saitamas, whipping up a cloud of dust as they flew. Soctor Super Evil Dude couldn’t see anything, but here was no way any of those could have missed. Saitama was a measly Class C hero, no way he’d be strong or fast enough to-

One of the knives stopped moving. Both knives stopped moving. What was happening to his super-fast stabbing? The dust cleared and each of the Saitamas held a huge knife-arm with their bare hands.

“Should I just punch it?” asked the original Saitama.

“Okay,” said the clone.

The original Saitama let go of the knife-arm. Perfect. This was Doctor Super Evil Dude’s chance to-

The mecha rocked. What was happening?

Before he could work out what was going on, Doctor Super Evil Dude was propelled into the air along with a blast of fire and several pieces of his mecha.

Maitama ran around under the Super Evil Guy, trying to work out where he would land. Probably somewhere around here. Even if he was a supervillain or whatever, he didn’t deserve to die. Super Evil Doctor Man fell from the sky, directly into Maitama’s arms.

“Why couldn’t you just let me die?” wailed Evil Man Dude. “All my plans have failed! All of them!”

“’Cause I’m a pacifist.” Maitama placed Really Evil Doctor Guy on the ground. “Maybe your plans have failed, but you can fix them for next time, now that you know what went wrong.”

“But you’re a hero!” Villain Super Guy shouted. I caused destruction! You should be trying to fight me!”

“Should I?” Maitama shrugged. “You didn’t cause that much destruction, and you wouldn’t be a worthy opponent anyway. Train every day and become a worthy enemy. Then I might think about it.”

Doctor Evil Man sniffled, wiped his nose on his lab coat, then laughed evilly. “I will follow that advice, Cloned Saitama. May we meet again.” He turned around and ran off into the sunset, laughing evilly, his lab coat lifting up to reveal his hotpants with ‘evil’ printed across the butt.

Maitama turned around to see Genos writing down everything in a notebook. “Thank you, Master Maitama. That was very good advice for everyone.”

“Attention, City Z.”

Master Saitama switched off the TV. “I’ll go do that. Seeya when I get back.” He ran out the front door.

“Should we eat the sardines now, Master Maitama?” Genos asked. He still had yet to interrogate Master Maitama.

“Sure.”

Genos handed him a tin of sardines and a fork.

“I must ask you a question, Master Maitama.” Genos sat down next to him and opened his own tin.

“Yeah?”

“Did you ever have the urge to kill Master Saitama, as you were created to?”

“Nope.” Master Maitama opened his own sardines.

“Did you ever think about it at all?”

“Nah. I never wanted to kill Saitama,” said Master Maitama through a mouthful of sardines. “I knew all along that I’m weaker than him, anyway. I think Doctor Totally Evil messed up his cloning machine so the clone was the weaker one, not the original.”

Genos nodded. “I think it is admirable that you admit you are weaker. I feel I am going to learn a lot from you too, Master Maitama.” He opened a notebook and wrote down what Master Maitama had just said.

“Well…” Master Maitama put down the empty can. “Actually…”

“You’re leaving, Master Maitama?” Genos put down his sardines too, out of respect.

“This apartment isn’t big enough for all three of us. I’m already such a different person to Saitama, and I’ve only been around for a day or so.” Master Maitama leant back and looked to the sky. “I’m going to leave to a different city. I’ll find my own apartment and start a new life. I don’t want to accidentally give Saitama a bad name by being defeated.”

“I see.” Genos nodded. “Will you tell Master Saitama this?”

“Tell me what?” Master Saitama walked in the front door.

“I’m leaving City Z,” said Master Maitama.

“You’re leaving?” Saitama stared at Maitama. “Damn, just when I thought I’d finally met someone as strong as me, you’re leaving already?”

“Yeah. Isn’t it easier for all of us like this?”

Saitama sighed. “Well, sure it is, but isn’t it more fun with the three of us? It’s kinda cool having a clone.”

“I guess so, but…” He shrugged. “Nah. I’d better go.”

“Well, it’s your choice.”

Maitama ate the last of his sardines and stood up. “I guess I’m off.”

“Before you leave, can we at least have a fight? I want to know what it feels like to have a challenge again.” Saitama framed it as a polite request, but he was so, so close to fighting a worthy opponent that he would literally beg if Maitama said no.

“I’m a pacifist, remember?” Maitama stepped out the front door. “Nah. Maybe if we meet again in the future.” He waved goodbye and closed the door.

Well. No begging then. Saitama dropped to the floor and stared at it. “Damn it! I could’ve had a good fight, and he just leaves!”

“I guess we will just have to meet him again, Master Saitama.”

Saitama sighed. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

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