Menma Remembers (2018 FanFiction Competition)

[smash_fic]

Title: Menma Remembers
Rating: PG

Prompt: If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets – Haruki Murakami

Fandom/series: Anohana: the flower we saw that day

Word count: 1805

Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, profit from the story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator(s).

Summary: Menma has a wish to grant but she cannot remember it. And it’s only until the very end that she stops lying to herself and everyone and finally says that she wants to stay.

Menma Remembers

Menma remembers her death.

 

   She remembers the way she died. The yank of gravity as she lost her balance, rolling down the steep slope, barely aware of anything other than the spinning world around her. The harsh SMACK against the so small rock that ultimately stopped her life. The water that filled her lungs, her body, her life, drowning her.

 

   She remembers how it didn’t matter that she had somewhere to go, someone to see. How no matter how much she screamed for them, for anyone, in her mind, no one would hear. How no matter how much she wanted to move, to swim because she knew how, her small body did not listen. How no matter how much she still had to do, the years still to live, she was taken away.

 

   She remembers her last thoughts as blackness trickled in. Slowly at first, creeping around the edges of her vision, then in short bursts of darkness. She remembers her last words that couldn’t be spoken. Her last feelings that couldn’t be expressed. Her last breaths that couldn’t be taken.

 

   She remembers all of that day; her last day. Her last day with her friends; everyone; anyone. Her last day with the Super Peace Busters.

 

   Menma remembers.

--

Menma doesn’t remember what happens next. She doesn’t remember being awake, or conscious, or anywhere. All she knows is that for the years that followed, she wasn’t there. She doesn’t remember what happened to her; whether she was in the afterlife, or roaming, or lost. She doesn’t remember watching the Super Peace Busters drift apart, like stray fishing rods in a lake. She doesn’t remember watching Jintan grow shut inside; watching Poppo travel the world; watching Anaru smile with her new friends; watching Tsuruko and Yukiatsu study hard at their school.

 

   She doesn’t remember her friends’ hurting when she’d left. Doesn’t remember the misery and grief they went through. The pain.

 

   She doesn’t remember any of it because she wasn’t there. She never was. She never will be.

 

   But she’s here now. She’s here now and she has a purpose. She knows it in her heart; it’s a tug that leads her somewhere, to someone.

 

   That’s how Menma finds Jintan.

--

Menma knows she is dead. She knows but she can’t help the words that escape her. Words that no one hears amidst their laughter. But she is fine with that. She is fine with that because seeing them together makes her happy. They smile the same way as when they were children. Back when they were really just Jintan, Anaru, and Poppo.

 

   This happiness makes her forget. Even if it’s for seconds, it makes her forget that she is dead. Makes her forget that no one sees her smiles, hears her laughs, or feels her hugs.

 

   They make her forget, maybe because they themselves are forgetting; they are forgetting the pain that they box in a corner of their hearts, closed but always leaking out. They are forgetting the wedge between them, the clear division that cuts them off from their childhood.

 

   They are forgetting because for those precious moments, they return to their childhood. Happy, free, careless. Uncaring about school, or appearances, or guilt. Only for this mundane afternoon; playing Nokemon in Anaru’s room.

 

   And watching them, Menma wonders if that is her wish. To have them happy like this.

 

   But it can’t be. She knows it can’t be because they are not complete. Not yet. It’s not enough because Tsuruko and Yukiatsu aren’t here. They aren’t the Super Peace Busters without them.

 

   It is almost like a flower without all the parts; the petals are there to cover up the fact that the roots and stem are not.

 

   It is beautiful, but incomplete.

--

Menma hates this.

 

   She hates this helplessness. She hates this invisibility. She hates being dead.

 

   Most of all, Menma hates being the reason of her friends’ pain. She always has, and she always will.

 

   She can only watch as they argue, hurling stabbing words that make her breath hitch because she it does hurt, but it hurts them too. The knives that come out of Yukiatsu’s mouth, filled with anger, so so much anger.

 

   It reminds her of those days so many years ago, when they were children with high tempers and silly ideas. But this time, they are older, they know how to hurt with words, they know pain, they know what they are doing is wrong.

 

   A small part of her cries at that, but a bigger part knows that it is all said in anger, in grief and pain. She knows she is reason of all of this. She knows but cannot do anything.

 

   Anything but this.

 

   Blocking out Jintan and Yukiatsu, Menma walks to the fireworks. It reminds her of her childish naivety; thinking such a simple object could reach the heavens. She takes a firework out, hands shaking ever so subtly. It reminds her of that long-ago day; a day of content and love. She ignites the firework. It reminds her of the light she saw every time she was with her friends; their lives so weightless and free.

 

   And then Menma paints the night sky with the infinity symbol.

 

   Their symbol.

 

   And she wonders. What do they see? If Anaru, if Poppo, if Tsuruko and Yukiatsu and Jintan see anything. Do they see a reminder of their friendship, of a bond bound by lives near forgotten? Do they see that long-ago day of content and love?

 

   Do they see her?

--

Menma’s wish had been granted.

 

   The floor sways under her feet. She feels a weight push down on her, bringing her backwards. She’s tired, exhausted, but it’s not sleep or hunger. No, this is something different.

 

   She can tell because she sees her body fading. It’s a strange sight; to see her own body dimming, the wooden floor peering through her arms. It’s strange and bittersweet, because she knows that this means she has fulfilled her promise to Auntie but that this also means she’s leaving. That her time with her friends is ending.

 

   Menma’s had fun with them all; with Anaru, Poppo, Tsuruko, and Yukiatsu. With Jintan.

 

   Deep inside, Menma always held that tiny piece of sadness at bay. Only because she was a lot happier. She had so much fun, knowing it wouldn’t last, knowing they weren’t the Super Peace Busters if they weren’t all together.

 

   And they weren’t. At least not truly.

 

   Not yet.

 

   But despite it all, Menma cannot leave it. She can’t because she still hasn’t said goodbye. She still hasn’t told them of her feelings; those feelings that she couldn’t express on that day.

 

   She grips her right wrist, trembling as she struggles to write what she needs to. Her handwriting is shaky, but she pushes through, her weakening fingers slipping on the pen. This time she feels her eyes flutter, threatening to close. But she knows that once they do, she may not have the strength to open them.

 

   So Menma forces them open. Forces them for her sake and for everyone’s sake.

 

   Because this way, this way she will be able to tell them of her feelings. Tell all of them. And this way, they won’t forget. They won’t forget that she wants them to be happy, to remember her as someone who brought them closer, not as someone who broke them apart.

 

   Because Menma only hopes that they remember her.

--

Menma had made it.

 

   They’re out of breath and worry streaks their faces. She notices Jintan’s feet are bruised and bleeding from running outside all night and her heart aches at that. At his almost mad search for her. The worry she caused him. The others are looking to him for guidance, looking to him like a leader again. Just like when they were kids.

  

   Anaru sees her letters.

 

   Menma had laid them out like a flower in front of the tree she’d been resting against. She was barely able to keep herself upright anymore.

 

   With a fond smile, she watches them read her letters. They were too short for her liking but this time, she was able to properly say goodbye. She had so much to tell them. But she knew that it was the quickest and easiest way to express her feelings. She never was a writer, her diary proved that.

 

   She watches the tears that fall, their bodies shaking from their emotions.

 

   And then Jintan shouts.

--

That’s right. They were playing hide-and-seek. They were still playing a game. Menma still had a game to finish.

 

   The rest of the Super Peace Busters join in Jintan’s chant. It’s becomes too much and she quickly has to duck her head, tears forming, because even though she knows they can’t see her, she hates crying in front of them.

 

   “I’m ready!”

 

   They fall silent.

 

   Had they…had they heard her?

 

   Anaru cries out her name.

 

   Menma looks up. She’s almost scared too. She’s hoping too much. But when she does, she finds that they are all looking at her. Really looking at her.

 

   And she’s so glad.

 

   It’s really a proper goodbye then.

 

   She struggles to her feet, hand braced against the tree to support her as the other wipes her tears away. Because she doesn’t want this to be a sad goodbye, as much as she knows it will be. She doesn’t want to make it sadder than it already is.

 

   “Menma’s bad at hide-and-seek, isn’t she?”

 

   “Hey, Jintan, say it properly. The game is over now, right?”

 

   She knows the sun is streaming through her. She can see it below her eyes. She’s close. But it’s not over yet.

 

   Poppo calls out first, saying I love you too. It initiates the rest of them, when Tsuruko follows, then Anaru and Yukiatsu.

 

   And finally, Jintan. “I love you Menma.”

 

   All of it is enough to set her crying again, her earlier attempt failing just as quickly.

 

   For a second, she sees a glimpse of the past again. When they were young, when Jintan had made her cry, when the rest of them had chided and teased him. For a second, she sees them all like they once were.

 

   For a second, Menma sees her past, and also her future.

 

   Because, “Menma wants to be with everyone more! She wants to play with everyone more! That’s why, Menma wants to be reincarnated! That’s why…” That’s why they need to say farewell, so that she can come back quickly. That’s why.

 

   As one, the Super Peace Busters, Jintan, Anaru, Poppo, Tsuruko, Yukiatsu, all shout. “Menma! We found you!”

 

   And even as she feels herself lighten until she is weightless, even as she feels herself disappear, even as she feels herself leave, Menma knows it’s alright now. It’s alright now because…

 

   Menma got found.

Review Here!